Leaves were all hurling themselves from the branches
and nights in the empire were starting to nip
when its cardboard borders came fluttering down
and the carnivore carnival let rip.
The result of a luckless experiment in
moral eugenics, they squelched through the towns
devouring many a resident in
an orgy of torn limbs and spine-chilling howls.
Shopkeepers’ faces were sliced into shreds
and nurses lay butchered in piles of guts
as machete-sharp teeth sank deep into heads
which were drained like juice from coconuts.
The Empress, a flabby-armed weasel-faced Tory
who never had breastfed and now never could,
did not lose a minute of sleep from the gory
goings-on in her neighbourhood.
“We need the zombies! They boost our economy!”
the Empress in infinite wisdom proclaimed,
as her citizens underwent cut-price lobotomies
and, in a shower of blood, were de-brained.
And the citizens, they exploded in fury
at those who didn’t agree with the Empress.
As prosecution, judge and jury,
the good-thinking people all screamed themselves headless:
“Say it loud and say it clear,
flesh-eating zombies are welcome here!”
One man, an old carpenter named Weiss,
edged forward and whispered, “I’m not so sure.
Perhaps not all of these zombies are nice.
Perhaps we should keep our country secure.”
His neighbours looked at him like he had just
masturbated into their tofu quiche.
They barked, “You can’t disagree with us!
That’s zombiphobia! That’s hate speech!
Shut up, you zombiphobic scum!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, you piece
of shit banging on your fascist drum,
shut up! Shut up or we’ll call the police!
My grandfather once kicked a cow,
so I hate myself and my country and you.
That’s only fair. More zombies, now!
So what if they munch on a brain or two?
The occasional bloodbath’s the minuscule price
we must pay for our wonderful open society
bursting with culture and colour and spice,
you spastic! You spewing fat sack of impiety!
The zombies possess a magnificent history
of progress and peace! You should die of shame,
you ignorant bucket of festering bigotry!
I bet you can’t even spell your name!
You tabloid-reading bundle of stupid,
how stupid you are, with your stupid fears!
You’ll never ever be as clever as me,
you working-class mong, in a trillion years!”
Then they chased the old carpenter out of his garden
and booted his head from side to side.
“I’m sorry!” he whimpered. “I do beg your pardon!”
“Take that, you zombiphobe!” they replied.
The Empress decided to pool her resources.
Gallons were sucked from her treasury’s veins
to provide the zombies with state-funded courses
on “how to not eat people’s brains”.
What a shock! The great plan was a fruitless attempt
and no zombie was moved by this clarion call!
So, the rest of the world shook their heads in contempt
and the East Oceanians were carrion, all.
