Of all the endless possibilities that exist
in the universe,
of all the places you could potentially be
anywhere along the multi-dimensional
and perhaps infinite
spectrum of reality,
I know where you are
right now.
You’re in the Co-op supermarket
on Aberdeen High Street.
Not too far from the fish fingers.
And you know, there comes a point in the life of every
deep-thinking and soulful man or woman, when
we have to ask ourselves, shall I
stand on a bucket for eleven minutes
or shall I join the Swedish air force?
This is an extremely important moral
and philosophical question
that we all have to answer
at some point.
I myself have pondered long
and hard about it.
And I can honestly say that I am willing
to sell my soul to the Swedish air force.
Why shouldn’t I? It’s my right
as a human being.
It’s my right as a British citizen.
Just as it’s my right as a British citizen
to follow my religion in any way I choose.
I follow my religion by
forcing lesbians to drive yellow tractors on Wednesdays.
You can’t take that away from me. That’s
racist.
It’s my right as a British citizen
to force lesbians to drive yellow tractors on Wednesdays.
But I’ll tell you something,
a lot of these tractors you get nowadays actually
are
lesbians.
What’s that all about?
When I’m walking down the street
with my daughter,
on the way to buy her an ice-cream,
the last thing I want to see,
certainly the last thing my daughter wants to see,
is a couple of tractors having it off.
Are you telling me that’s natural?
Do you think that’s what God intended?
A couple of fucking tractors
having sex?
It’s not right. And yet there’s me,
paying my taxes.
Hang on a minute, what’s this?
It’s a little bit of leaf.
I’m not having that.
I’m not having a little bit of leaf
in my universe.
Why should I?
I’ll tell you something, when I find out who it is
that’s been leaving little bits of leaf
in my universe,
I’m gonna fucking have ’em.
It’s just not on,
is it?
How is that
reasonable behaviour?
I don’t behave like that, and I don’t
expect anyone else to either.
I mean,
do I strike you as the sort of man
who goes around leaving little bits of leaf
in other people’s universes?
Of course I don’t, that’d be
fucking ridiculous.
What could possibly be nicer
than an egg-cup
with Princess Diana’s face on it?
That’s what I want to know.
